Dear Santa

santa

Joe’s Post #75

Text 2013

Joe: Hey, Santa. How’s it going, big guy?

Santa: How did you get my phone number? You want to get on my naughty list?

Joe: Talk to the Easter Bunny. He said I could txt you any time.

Santa: That little assail.

Joe: What?

magicSanta: Damn autocorrect. Nevermind. You’re not going to ask me to make you look like one of the Magic Mike guys again, are you? I can only do so much.

Joe: Nah, don’t worry, that kinda backfired. All that exercise equipment you sent remains unused. But thanks for the thought.

Santa: So what do you want this year?

Joe: I want to thank you for all that you did bring me. You brought me a girlfriend, which was awesome nice of you and even though she didn’t arrive until Feb, she’s the most amazing present ever.

Santa: Well, actually that wasn’t me.

IMG_0745

Joe: And I want to thank you for giving me the courage to do a whole bunch of things this year that I’d never thought I’d do.

Santa: Listen, Joe, I think you’re mixing me up with God or fate or whatever you writers believe in these days.

Joe: And I’d like to thank you for all the great friends in my life who support and believe in me.

Santa: OMG. Stop it. It wasn’t me.

Joe: Anyway, for this year, I’d like only one thing.

Santa: Here it comes. I’m going to ducking kill that bunny.

Joe: So here’s the thing. I want no more rejection letters. I want an agent who believes in me as much as my friends do, as much as my writing group does, as much as my dog does. 

Santa: Are you kidding me?

Joe: Nope.

Santa: OMFG! Will you nut up already?

Joe: Santa! You sound kinda angry.

imagesSanta: I am. You think you’re the only one who has to deal with rejection? Try being me. As soon as kids reach a certain age, whammo, they don’t believe in me anymore. Talk about in-your-face rejection. Like I suddenly cease to exist. They stop sending me letters and singing songs about me, and leaving cookies and milk for me, but do I get all mopey and whiny? No. No I don’t. Cuz I’m ducking Santa. I keep on doing what I love to do.

Joe: Urhm.

Santa: Just don’t give up. Keep on trying. I mean, hellsbells, man, you managed to get an amazing, beautiful women. The raindeer had a pool that listed the odds agianst that happening at 200-1. So believe me, if you can do that, you can do anything. 

Joe: You think so?

Santa: I know so. Listen, trust in the process. Write. Send. Repeat. The rest will follow. I told King that and look what happened, but holy hell, the things that kid wanted for Christmas, I still have nightmares.

Joe: I hear what you’re saying fat man. But now I want something else.

Santa: You greedy little…

Joe: I want this to be the best Christmas for everyone, especially for my girl and her two boys.

depp againSanta: Well, I guess that’s something I can try and do. Now duck off, I have Johnny Depp texting me that he wants to find someone named Corinne. Apparently he’s in love. Ich.

14 thoughts on “Dear Santa

  1. Humour and happiness … What’s not to love? This post just made me feel good. It’s really true – everybody loves a lover (I can just hear Doris Day – was it Doris or one of her clones who made that a huge hit? – singing in the background of your personal soundtrack). Hope you and Corinne and the boys have the most amazing Christmas ever!

    • Futurama! Though technically it’s not Santa Claus. “In the year 2801, The Friendly Robot Company had made up a robotic version of St. Nick himself to determine who has been naughty and who has been nice. Unfortunately, due to a programming error, the jolly robotic saint soon turns into a mad murderer when his standards were set too high, and he will kill anyone who has been naughty (which by his standards is everyone except for Doctor Zoidberg) at sundown.”

      • You two break me up. I was thinking as I read Joe’s long excited explanation that could have answered Silk”s question after one word ‘Futurama’, what is Silk feeling about this mass murdering non-Santa going on a rampage? I laughed out loud at your response Silk!! Love this group.

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